Living in the Big Wide Grey Area

I took my own deep breath of courage the other day and decided to look outside of me for some advice on the situation with Hayden’s choice-making. On the AlwaysLearning list, I posted this:

I’m really at a loss & need some *strewing* of loving ways to handle Hayden’s cries of “I CAN’T CHOOSE!!!!” when confronted with choices that are equally *good* in his mind.
Last week, it was his 10th birthday cake. I have 3 specialties and none sounded good; we got out the cookbook and perused the options. One moment we’re discussing cake flavors and the next, he’s in the throes of upset because he “can’t choose.” He cries out “Help me mom!!!” and I breathe and I ask “what does my help look like?” and he doesn’t know and this only increases his angst… In that situation, I breathed and breathed and let him be, while I let him know that I was still available (by rubbing his back or just sitting close). While his mind is stuck on “I can’t choose” my mind is stuck on “I don’t know how to help you!!” — which leads us both away from one another, away from the answer and doesn’t at all feel supportive and loving. (especially when mom says, “for goodness sake, it’s a BIRTHDAY CAKE it’s supposed to make you HAPPY, not miserable!!! — oops!)
Last night, some unschoolin’ teens were in town for the night. Hayden was *so* excited that they called him on his phone 😀 he immediately asked me for a ride and made plans to see them. After hanging up, he realized he was awaiting two calls on Skype. “Should I Stay or Should I Go” was the theme song of the evening. He was literally writhing in the pain of this choice. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone and he didn’t want to miss ANYthing. He cried and cried and wailed “HELP me!!!” I offered gentle suggestions like making a pros and cons list, flipping a coin (and changing your choice if you’re disappointed with the toss), visualizing himself in each situation – which would make his heart sing loudest? — all were met with sobs and more “HEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEE”s. Scotty tried to intervene at one point, though he was so crabby sounding, it felt like “ganging up” on an overwhelmed little guy, so I asked him to help us foster peace, not more angst. The ultimate result of this was him passing out, still upset, and missing both options! And I still am empty of ideas, full of worthless guilt and not one stinking (respectful & loving) idea
You’d think I’d have some tricks up my sleeve, this isn’t a new development in him; I remember when I bought the whole “give your kids choices” mindset, so instead of just picking out clothes for my 3 year old, I began asking “red or blue” and he’d pick red and wonder/lament all day if blue was the choice he shoulda made!

I got back some (expected!) amazing advice, which I have joyfully discussed with the boy. His favorites include:

Five or six small cakes.

Email/call the Skypers and reschedule.

Red AND blue.

Sometimes we don’t want a *choice*: sometimes we want it ALL!

I gotta insert my own *DUH!* right here ♥ I’ve been as stuck in either/or as he has been!! As soon as I read this one to him, it was an epiphany! He/We could have easily had them both happen — with self-imposed time limit on the teen visit and a rush home to talk with friends on Skype; who, if they called, could be alerted by Scotty that Hayden’s on his way!

sometimes, if you make the choice for them, it gives enough clarity for them to then
breathe and make another decision for themselves. So if you say “I’ll make the chocolate cake,” he can either think “great” or “oh wait, I don’t want chocolate, I want banana.”

He’s decided that this is what I should do next year with his party. I *know* what he’d like to do and can easily plan a party for him to show up at and enjoy with his friends. ♥

I guess I usually try to ask myself, “How can we have both?” Could he make the calls earlier and let his Skype friends know something unexpected came up later? Could he have two cakes in different flavors or cupcakes in many flavors? Often “having both” means more energy and work from Mom…is that the wall he is hitting? To be honest, sometimes that is the wall that Jayn comes up against with me. Sometimes I just need a few moments to change my gears up to willingness to do more.
Sometimes my “help” inflames things and what helps most is my silence. I never expected that keeping out of Jayn’s thought process would be the best thing to do, but sometimes it just is, expecially when otherwise she turns on me with anger. My silence seems to allow her to listen to her own clamoring thoughts instead of having to direct energy to filtering my voice. Even when she has “asked” for help, usually it is just her thinking aloud and not wanting my solution. Sometimes asking for help is her way of wanting ideas specifically to reject.
Am I trying to help because of my need to be important to her or to rescue her from her painful seeming thinking? Or is it because I can see an elegant solution that is evidently escaping her?

I realized reading this that one big roadblock to a peaceful solution is the UGLY voices in my head who jump right in and tell me what a horrible mother I am to have allowed my poor child to be in such pain! I had no idea there were so many painful voices left to be fired!

When he’s chipper and bright, ask him
then to help you figure out ways to decide next time. Maybe…

Magic 8 ball

Open a book (Bible, Shakespeare, a Sinfest collection…) randomly
and read something and see if it suggests an answer.

Throw a dart at a map and if the thing it hits is closer
alphabetically to one or the other option, go with that (or against
that, if the disappointment is apparent).

hee hee hee, when we were talking about this yesterday, I picked up the nearby magazine and stuck my finger on a random page and read something about the current state of our educational system… we both giggled at how un-relative this was to us, which broke the tension and let us move on to other topics. I think I’ll be pulling these out regularly (and maybe I’ll do it while wearing my Magic 8 Ball shirt… I shall *be* inspired to *be* his answers!)

I was listening to the song “Watershed” by the Indigo Girls and then this post topic came up.
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony’s your heaviest load
You’ll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

I was humming that to myself the other day while I was waiting for my son to make a choice. It made me think of how lucky we are that we get to make so many choices in our lives. I love what someone said, I think on this list? Sandra maybe? about making each choice to get you moving in the direction that you want to go. But for the other choices, that don’t matter and don’t go anywhere, the last three lines of this song resonate with me.

Ah a soundtrack of Joy surrounding the angst of choices! It helps me to think of all the adults in the world who struggle with decision making… Hayden’s already ahead of the game at 10!

The idea is that everyone likes to be noticed, and known, and really truly *seen* by other people, and part of that knowing is paying close attention to their likes and dislikes.
In the case of the birthday cake, maybe it would be more fun to say “let me surprise you” and make the choice based what you *know* he likes. Then when the day comes, he may notice that you’ve deeply thought about him, and that feels really good. Maybe that’s the kind of help he’s asking for. Relief from the responsibility of choosing. …
Sometimes making choices seems more like a big burden that involves other people and their wants and needs, not just a simple “what do *you* want?”.

It sounds like the homeschooling teens coming to town was a really big deal, and maybe the Skype friends might be more of a regular thing, so if you know that to be true, maybe don’t present it as an equal choice. Know that he would probably choose to hang with the teens (if that’s true) and help him make that happen. I might have helped him call those friends and tell them the truth in a sweet and considerate way.
Sometimes it seems like wide open options like making pro/con lists are too much information to consider when you are stressed already, or random ones like tossing a coin are unsatisfying because the specific concerns, like potentially dissapointing some friends, are not being addressed and are only left to chance.

How true that his overwhelm tends to trigger my overwhelm which leads to a vicious cycle of no one knowing how to get the heck outta overwhelm. It’s a challenge for me to shift from the Big Picture perspective that I’m comfortable with, to the Small Picture perspective that is more comfortable for Hayden. Not to mention the fact that Hayden would like a non-overwhelmed, not-taking-it-all-so-danged-personally mama on his team. One who, indeed, has his best and biggest wishes and desires in mind, always.